For those wondering … and those who are new here. The question was raised during my initial post as to why I have such a huge disgust, no, hatred, no, abhorrence, no, detestation, no, revulsion … you get the point … for pickles. The only thing I hate more than pickles is pickles on hamburgers. I thought about answering that question in the comments, but I figured I could make an entire post and possibly weave in a bit of a lesson as well.
I will attempt recount, from memory, what happened and then try to find some silver lining (if there is one).
Even though my memory can recall every second of this part of my past, I cannot for the life of me remember the time period. I am assuming I was in elementary school but I am not positive. Anyway, let’s take a journey back in time together (the screen starts wavering, hearkening to a flashback transition in a movie) oooooohhhhhh. Scary huh?
It was a normal day, like most of them were. We were herded into the lunch room (my favorite part of the day … what can I say? I like to eat) and stood in line to receive our daily dose of … well, food (I’ll be nice). Hamburgers! Always has been a favorite of mine. And because it is all about the hamburger, what the rest of that yellow plastic tray held was of little consequence. I took my seat and prepared to devour my beautiful little burger.
Preparations included: squeezing out a little ketchup onto the “meat”, eating a French fry or two, and opening my little container of milk (you guys remember those right!). That’s when things started on a downhill slide for me.
Funny. I don’t remember pickles on my burger. But the smell of pickles was so strong that I looked under the top bun to make sure. Nope, no pickles. A quick glance to my left and right confirmed none of my lunch-mates had pickles either. Weird.
Before I gobbled up the rest of my fries and burger, I needed to get a quick drink of milk.
Remember that downhill thing?
I remember picking up my milk, still wondering where the strong smell of pickles came from and took a big mouthful of milk.
I will pause here. I’m sure many of you know what is going to happen next. And for those of you out there that have experienced this: I feel your pain. For those that have dodged the biggest bullet this life has to offer … well, you should count yourself blessed.
Immediately, the realization bombarded my senses. Something was terribly wrong with the contents my mouth was holding. In a split second I had to choose:
Spit it out
What would you have done?
Yup. You guessed it. That mouthful of sour, spoiled milk went all over my beautiful hamburger. All over what was left of my French fries. Everywhere!
I remember sitting in silence. Stunned at what had just transpired. I didn’t cry. Or get sick to my stomach (thankfully), I just sat there.
I can recall a teacher coming over and asking what was wrong and offering to get me a new lunch. But for the one and only time in my life, I rejected the idea of eating and said I was not hungry. What??
I have aged a bit since that fateful day. I have eaten … countless … hamburgers and cheeseburgers and every iteration of them. I am not ashamed to say that I have a love affair with the hamburger. But to this day I still loathe the mother fucking pickle! Why? Because that sour milk smelled like a Dill Pickle.
Dill Pickles. Ugh. It’s like Satan took a pickle and licked it, rubbed it under his arm pit, then wiped his ass with it. Then he rolled it around in a mixture of boogers, dog shit, and lighter fluid. Don’t ask why the last one is in there…
So is there a lesson here? Or was that some trite way to get you to read this? No, there is.
Don’t eat something that smells like the Devil’s asshole! Or put another way: be careful of sour milk. It could change your whole perspective on food.
So there it is folks. My hatred for pickles runs pretty deep. If I could ever meet the guy who thought up putting pickles on a burger I would bitch-slap him! Just saying.
Share with me in the comments your story. What type of food do you hate and why? I’m positive there are others out there with similar stories that have scarred you to never eat something again.
If you didn’t get it the first time: I HATE PICKLES!
Surf on over to ihatepickles.com (I’m not making this up) and grab yourself a sweet t-shirt. Show your support for hating pickles.